So, after I made a post where I talked a little about the Erinyes, I did something I am very good at: over think everything. My small musing, which I had intended to be more of a commentary on the tendency to strip dark and powerful gods of their claws, instead got me thinking about my relationship with the Erinyes. I started to wonder why they are so nice to me, and when I could not come up with a reason, this line of thinking spiraled out of control (over the course of a whole day) ultimately to stop at what if the deities I’m interacting with aren’t actually the Erinyes at all, but some other trio of goddesses I’ve mistaken as being them?
And that’s when they showed up.
I have never felt a presence that strongly before. It felt like I had suddenly been plunged into a deep pool of water and there was all this pressure on my body. My ears rang and buzzed like there was a strong electrical charge in the room, and I had a slight feeling of vertigo even though I was sitting in a chair. I could distinctly tell where each one of them was standing. They felt smooth and cool to me, like the body of a snake. When I closed my eyes, I could almost see the serpents moving in their hair and the frame of their robes. I could strongly feel that little tug which meant that they had something to say. And even before they spoke, there was no longer any doubt that they were the Erinyes.
I shifted my position to the floor and invited them to sit, if they wanted to. Two of them did. I apologized so much to them; for my stupidity, for my ability to get myself all wound up over small things, for ever doubting. I apologized for not understanding and being confused and wanting answers. When I felt like they were not here to punish me, and nor did they seem angry, I asked why they have been so nice to me in the past.
I am rather shamed to admit that I did not understand the majority of what they had to say. They spoke in terms of the macro and the micro; of cycles; of death and dissolution and convergence and alchemy; in images and metaphors of the dead and tombs and mist-filled fields and of the phases of the moon; of dispelling stagnant energy and ridding one’s self of that which no longer serves; of descending to the Underworld and returning veiled with Mystery. But while the details were puzzling, as I listened to them four things became clear to me.
1) There is some lesson/s, skill/s, technique/s, knowledge – some thing I need to know that is chthonic in nature.
2) This thing can “best”/”only” be conveyed to me by the Erinyes.
3) I have a lot of work, both personal and external, to do before I am ready to comprehend and utilize this thing.
4) The Erinyes showing me a furious or mad face would hinder and disrupt my ability to do the work, hence instead their encouragement and “being nice.”
It was while I was sitting there, feeling like a fool for having so much of their meaning fly over my hand, did I suddenly realize that they were so right. If they did appear to me as fire and brimstone, with screams and whips and blood all over the place, I would be terrified. And I would retreat back into myself – and all the work I’ve done over the past year would be lost. I’ve torn myself down so many times that I need to build myself back up and learn things like confidence, and I can’t be confident in myself if I’m crying in the corner over how I imagine I’ll be punished if I can’t do things perfectly enough for them. And so, they are kind to me while still 100% being themselves.
Afterward, when I thanked them profusely for their time, told them that I would give them many honors the next day (which I did), and said they could leave if they wanted to… one of them stuck around. She stayed with me until I fell asleep. And I knew who she was – Alecto, the one who first reached out with to me from the name of a perfume, the one who lead me to the worship of her and her sisters. And she whispered to me that I am on the right track; I can’t let myself feel like I’m accomplishing nothing and stop just because I am not making huge leaps of progress. Little steps will get me to where I am going. She also put great emphasis on my lovely fox rattle, and working with it.
In the couple days after this, I felt… more at peace. Like some deeper part of myself understood exactly what they were saying, and was now soothed. I also feel like I’ll be teasing meaning out of what they had to say for a very long time to come…