I drink wine now. Wine is cool.

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For Mother’s Day, I felt guilty that we (the family) were not really able to buy my mother anything especial, so I asked her what I could do for her instead. She said I should make her a fabulous dessert. Since dessert is starting to outstrip fish as my “specialty” I was more than happy to accept. I knew just what to make her too. Modifying an existing recipe I found I essentially wound up with Chocolate Blackberry Wine Cake with Blackberry Buttercream Frosting.

Originally I was just going to use plain old red wine. We already had some unopened red wine in the house and we didn’t have the time/gas to drive all the way to a place like Bev-mo to try and find blackberry wine. When we were at the grocery store my mother decided to check the alcohol section but turned up empty. After that visit, salmon went on sale and Mom decided that was what she really wanted for dinner – salmon grilled on a cedar plank. When we went back the second time Mom showed me the alcohol section and… within seconds I found a bottle! And it was only $6!

Later, while we waited for the cake to cool enough to frost it, my mother poured some of the wine into a glass for herself – and for me. I was very reluctant to drink it. I have tried several different types of alcohol in the past, and while I have no problem offering it to the gods/spirits (and would like to brew my own someday) that stuff is nasty. (FYI: Champagne is the worst.) She talked me into it though, saying it was in honor of all of our female ancestors. The last time I had alcohol was for the ancestors too. So I figured, what the hell. Might as well try. I was shocked! It was… sweet. The biting/burning taste of the alcohol quickly dissipated leaving behind the pleasant taste of sweetened blackberry juice. It was VERY sweet – I later found reviewers on the ‘net complaining about it, but that was the main reason I liked it!

The cake was a smashing success. The blackberry flavor in the cake and the frosting is subtle. The cake itself is very soft and moist. We put a ribbon of just blackberry preserves in the center (instead of blackberry + frosting) and it held beautifully and tastes great!

But the big success to me was discovering an alcohol that doesn’t make me want to retch. And it’s so cheap! I’ve always felt a little guilty offering alcohol to the gods/spirits when I have no idea if it’s even good or not. Now I can pour libations in peace. I’m so shocked to find it at my local grocery store too!

So, yeah. I drink wine now. Wine is cool.

Search & Hunt

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I am in a boat upon the waves
Of a foggy midnight sea
With stars and galaxies sparkling
Beneath me.

The lantern has gone out yet I can see
In the soft silver moonlight
Emanating from the mist.

And I am searching, searching
For the library of heart
That lays in the darkness that comes
When I close my eyes.

Pools of moon form and into them I drift
Tracking a gold thread through the liquid,
Through the night, through the light;
It glimmers like spun hope.

I ring the chimes in my chest and
In the distance, I hear the sound.
Inward and outward are no longer separate;
I go down into a cave and emerge into sky.

We are hunting each other you know,
Me and the story,
Circling like a pair of leopards in the dappled sunlight
Barely falling through the jungle canopy.

If I were to throw my net and catch my story,
I would find myself in a net.

As I follow the thread, so tiny in the immense moon!,
I know somewhere out there
Is a library, a sphinx,
Following a silver thread through the sun
Searching for me.

I kind of fail at this meditating thing

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I got SO TENSE yesterday I actually wound up hurting my neck a little. ^_^; I kept trying to relax my muscles, but… yeah, I fail really hard at relaxing. (Just ask any of my friends!)

I do appreciate having a daily practice again. Ironically I stopped having a daily practice the last time I hit my absolute stress threshold, and this time I am starting up a daily practice when I am rapidly approaching my absolute stress threshold. (Finals!!! I spit in your general direction!) Weirdly enough, even though I hurt myself, I did feel more focused and calm afterwards. It was nice to have time completely to myself – no papers, no presentations, no arguments. I felt refreshed yet a little sleepy, like when you wake up from a nap. I am going to try really hard to keep this up for 6 days a week until school gets out for the summer – not sure I can swing meditating without falling asleep after a twelve hour day.

Erinyes I

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Masha, listen to me. Cosmetics are an extension of the will. Why do you think all men paint themselves when they go to fight? When I paint my eyes to match my soup, it is not because I have nothing better to do than worry over trifles. It says, I belong here, and you will not deny me. When I streak my lips red as foxgloves, I say, Come here, male. I am your mate, and you will not deny me. When I pinch my cheeks and dust them with mother-of-pearl, I say, Death, keep off, I am your enemy, and you will not deny me. I say these things, and the world listens, Masha. Because my magic is as strong as an arm. I am never denied.
Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente

Uuuuuuuugh

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Ever feel like you at least get the gist of what’s going on, what’s happening, what you are supposed to do, and then a couple of days later you suddenly find that you have no idea what is going on anymore?

I feel like I just slammed into a brick wall, and my head hurts. (Literally.) Everything that I am trying to do that I think is good or helpful is getting shot down as being bad and wrong. I ask what I am supposed to do, think I understand, do something, and then get shot down again. I’m so confused right now. I feel like suddenly my divination skills have vanished; the answers I’m getting make no sense, or my inquiries are just being mirrored back to me. It doesn’t help that I am still struggling to overcome my intense self-loathing, so now there’s this constant, “you suck and are a terrible person – the most stupid and dense and horrible person in the whole world in fact I bet nothing you’ve ever talked to has actually liked you at all and were just lying to you because you’re a terrible dumb stupid creature,” going on in the back of my head and

I feel kind of sick right now, but I have way too many “earthly” things I need to finish tonight. I just want to go to bed and forget about today. And last month. And this whole year.

The one clear thing is that something is going to happen in the next few days, but I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. I’ve been told both. At the same time.

Uuuuuuugh.

I want to be a kleidouchos

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Intrust in me your sacred things
And I shall carry them down to the river
And scatter them like petals
Upon the water.

Ask me the question,
For I am usually a sapling in a forest
Of redwoods, but here I am a sapling
In a newly-seeded field.

I hold a key in my heart;
Encrusted with diamonds and
Sleepless nights, just touching it
Can cause sparks that
Light up the night glittering
Like starlight.

Howling, weeping, bleeding;
I swear some days I just hang between these.
But deep below lurks a temple,
Cobweb covered and full of dusk
I can hear it call to me.

Call to me.
I am straining to hear you over
The years, but I am listening, dialing
Into your frequency.
Speak to me.
Whisper your story into the wind
And my fingers will record the sounds;
The blooming flowers and the footfalls
Intermingled with giggling parthenoi
And blood hitting the altar, dripping,
Dripping off the knife.

It is an honor too great for me,
Yet I yearn to hold that key
So each day I can unlock those doors
And stoke the fires once more.

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